Childhood cries for help

Even at a young age I did not know what happiness was. I always felt the the quality of my life was better than I deserved. I would fantasize about running away from home or killing my self, and my parents never knew. Once my mother found a note that I had written and I was severely grounded for it. I can not remember word for word what the note said but here is roughly how it went.

I do not deserve to live like this. My life is crap and there is nothing I can do about it.

Even today I can not help but feel that a part of this note is true. I think that the second part of the note was based on the years in school leading up to me writing the note. It started in kindergarten. I would ride the bus to school, and there would be middle school aged kids on the bus. They would call me names, insult me and my family, and smack me around. I tried going to the principal about this and nothing would happen. This went on for 2 years. In that time I had a woman helping me with school stuff, I am not sure what her title was but I would have to do things like color in the lines, and trace shapes and work on my speech. somewhere around the 2 year mark she made a comment to me about the middle school kids that were picking on me.

Your bringing it all on yourself, if you would stop hitting them with your lunchbox they would leave you alone.

The thing is I never had a lunch box, I would get "free lunch" because of a low household income. When I told her about that she said to stop lying and that I must have a lunchbox. I guess it didn't matter much because the school year was almost over at this time, and my family was in the process of moving.

I am sorry for cutting this so short but I have a hard time writing or thinking about this stuff for extended periods of time. I should have another post in a couple days. Thank you for your support!