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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ending it all

My first suicide attempt is something hard to talk about for me, so please bear with me.

When I was like 9 years old i decided it was time to end things. So I did the logical thing, I went into the bathroom and looked under the sink for something with a Mr. Yuck sticker on it. I found this white bottle with a cap that had to be pushed down to open it. It was shaped like a bleach bottle, but the contents were a ugly see through green, and it smelled really bad. So I decided that should do it, and took a nice sized drink, even thinking about it now makes me nauseous, and on 3 different occasions I have walked into a bathroom smelled the cleaner smell and instantly vomited.


Soon after I took the deadly drink I started to feel like I was going to throw up, so I thought if I was someplace cooler I might be able to fall asleep and just not wake up. I was on my way to the basement when I lost it, all over the stairs and railing, I did my best to try to clean up the mess. Not 20 minutes after this happened, my father was on the way to the basement (he hid booze down there, but that is a topic for another blog) and he noticed the railing was a little slippery.

He yells for me, and I make the mistake of going to him. He immediately starts yelling at me, "what the fuck were you thinking, you want to kill someone, I should kill you" and then he began to beat me. I was not allowed out of the house (or had to stay in my room if someone came over) for the next month, not so much because i was grounded but because my parents did not want anyone to see the bruises on my face...

sorry this one is so short, but I can not go on right now.

18 comments:

  1. I have a terminal illness, not a mental illness. All the same, I too have come very close to suicide (not attempted mind you, I held a gun to my head for a very long time but eventually put it down, not quite an attempt). It is a very dark place to be in, and everyone always says "there is always light after the darkness" and corny shit like that, people who say that either haven't been through shit or are living in a fantasy world to avoid their shit. Anonymous internet stranger to anonymous internet stranger, I feel you bro. There may not be any light at the end of the tunnel, but you just have to keep going anyway, because the further you go the more impressive it is when someone finds your skeleton that far down. Metaphorically speaking of course.

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  2. Fuck man, thats intense. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Intense. Simply intense. I hate that you had (and still have) to suffer like this. I really do hope things get better for you, or at the VERY least you do see some sort of reason to keep on living.

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  4. I thought my depression was bad, but at 9? I'm sorry, man. I'm glad that you have survived.

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  5. Wow that was a very serious read. I've never had been around anyone who has went through an experience like this. I believe writing it out like this will definitely help in the long run. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  6. man this is some serious stuff. thanks for sharing your story. it might just save another person

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  7. Sad to read :(
    But glad your strong enough to be able to share. Stay up

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  8. Damn, and I was sort of having a good day... I too contemplated suicide, especially recently. Alot of bad stuff has happened to me and I really wanted to just erase myself from the constant everyday races. Sorry to hear your story, I know its nearly meaningless, but keep your head up, and as they say in Canada...keep your stick on the ice.

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  9. Good luck to you and your condition man, I'll be following and hoping for you to get better.

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  10. This is really heavy. I really feel for you, I can't imagine what it would be like. I'm glad you survived it and moved on. Hopefully your story will discourage people from attempting the same thing. Keep your chin up, friend.

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  11. I wish you every success and good health in the near future! You can do it!

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  12. I admire how strong you are, you're a hero to me and I hope you continue to inspire.

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  13. I know how difficult life is, i myself many times feel like a computer underwater (it just doesnt work) i feel like i am this way with modern society.

    However stay strong, and thank you for having this blog. if you ever need to talk, send a message on this site to me, keep in touch friend

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  14. Is this serious? o_o

    If it is then wow.. just wow.

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  15. i think in all religions the suicide is not allowed,change your thinking and try to find the pleasure,supporting.

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