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Monday, February 14, 2011

Gray not blue

I've heard the expression "feeling blue" but that is not accurate of how I feel one bit! It is more of a gray feeling, like a thunder storm on a summer day. When the sky is gray, the clouds are gray, and my mood is gray.

Sorry about the rambling there, but i am feeling rather gray today. It is kinda hard to think or focus on any one thing. One minute I will remembering something upsetting from the past, then i will break off into a fantasy about how I wish things had gone. The scary thing about these fantasy's is how violent they get (think happy tree friends). After one of these episodes I am filled with self loathing, manly because I try not to be a violent person.

For some reason today my mind keeps taking me back to my time in high school. I would get picked on mercilessly, and when I would turn the people picking on me into the office I would not only get it worse than before but also get punished by the office. But my junior year was the worst, a group of kids started a rumor that I as planning on blowing up/shooting up graduation. Because of that rumor I was searched every morning on my way into the school the security guard would wand me with a medal detector, since I would go to vo-tech for half the day the school proceeded to search and scan me before and after i went to vo-tech every day.

The bullies had found a way to effertlessly hurrass me every day, but they still put effort in every day. Like in the middle of a test, one of them would use a hall pass to go to a pay-phone and call the school to report that I had a gun on me. Even tho this was like a weekly occurrence the security guard would pull me out of class in hand-cuffs. I'd then be taken to the office and searched, then they would take me to my locker and search it. this would be followed by them asking me for what seemed like forever where the gun was. Most of the time this would happen right before lunch, causing me to miss lunch. By the third time this happened I was starting to wish I had a gun, murder suicide was seeming like a great answer.

I hated everything about school so much, most of the time when I would get home from school I would lock myself in my from and cry for hours.

Sorry I have to cut this short but thinking about this is not helping my violent thoughts. I will try to post again tomorrow!

24 comments:

  1. don't worry hope you feel better tomorrow. i had pretty bad experiences in hs too.

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  2. That sucks that you has a shitty time in high school.

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  3. yes, but the song doesn't go "i'm gray, da-ba-dee-ba-da-ba..."

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  4. I'm just wondering... Didn't you have parents? Or an adult that could help you?
    You could have sued them you know...

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  5. Yeah I don't know why they chose the colour blue. Its not like I'm suffocating or anything. Anyway, I hope you feel better man, don't let anyone get to you.

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  6. Fortunately I never had any problems in school. Reading through this post made me extremely angry. What do these kids gain from doing this to you? This is absolutely ridiculous.

    I'm glad you never gave in to them and resorted to violence. That is what they are trying to make you do. If you resorted to violence, they won. They were seeing how far they could push you before you snap.

    I'm truly sorry you had to go through this. I'm not sure if my comment has any value to you, but I really mean it. If you live around any woods or mountains, you should go take a walk through them. Every time that I am angry,or upset, a nice walk through nature always makes me feel better.

    I hope things are getting better for you. Try not to focus on the past, and instead look forward to your future. Keep your head up.

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  7. Kids can be so damn cruel. I enjoy reading your posts, always makes me think. Cheers

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  8. There's no need getting worked up on the past, think about how to make the future better.

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  9. A very heartfelt and emotional story you have. I hope writing in this blog allows you to get some things off your chest.

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  10. interesting to read your thinkings

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  11. dont let bullies overrun society.. outsmart them with your brain

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  12. good luck man! but thats kinda depressing! ><

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  13. I know the feeling... Best thing is to be happy regardless. You win that way, and they give up. =]

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  14. You will get through it, man. It will always get better. Or it will get worse and you will realize that your current state is the best it will ever be. Either way, enjoy what you have and do your best to be happy and healthy.

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  15. I know the feeling. Hope Things get better

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  16. As someone that was bullied in school for a physical illness,I kinda know how you feel

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  17. The problem is your parents did not support you. If your parents went in there and absolutely BLASTED the principal, went to the school board and even contacted the police, trust me this would have been MUCH different. The school might fuck around with this kind of shit, but the polic doesn't.

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  18. I feel for you, man. I have depression and learning disorders, and im not sure if thats quite as serious as what you're dealing with (in fact i know its now) but still, I have had family members with severe mental illness, and I like to try to help out in any way i can, if i can. Keep in touch, and ill be reading your stuff :)

    followed/morning coffee-d :)

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  19. I want to say that you're doing a good thing posting your inner-feelings. If you bottle it up, it will be detrimental to your health. I suggest you also get a close friend and have him or her to talk to about your situation. I hope everything gets better for you.

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  20. You know the upcoming movie "Life in a day?"

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