I've heard the expression "feeling blue" but that is not accurate of how I feel one bit! It is more of a gray feeling, like a thunder storm on a summer day. When the sky is gray, the clouds are gray, and my mood is gray.
Sorry about the rambling there, but i am feeling rather gray today. It is kinda hard to think or focus on any one thing. One minute I will remembering something upsetting from the past, then i will break off into a fantasy about how I wish things had gone. The scary thing about these fantasy's is how violent they get (think happy tree friends). After one of these episodes I am filled with self loathing, manly because I try not to be a violent person.
For some reason today my mind keeps taking me back to my time in high school. I would get picked on mercilessly, and when I would turn the people picking on me into the office I would not only get it worse than before but also get punished by the office. But my junior year was the worst, a group of kids started a rumor that I as planning on blowing up/shooting up graduation. Because of that rumor I was searched every morning on my way into the school the security guard would wand me with a medal detector, since I would go to vo-tech for half the day the school proceeded to search and scan me before and after i went to vo-tech every day.
The bullies had found a way to effertlessly hurrass me every day, but they still put effort in every day. Like in the middle of a test, one of them would use a hall pass to go to a pay-phone and call the school to report that I had a gun on me. Even tho this was like a weekly occurrence the security guard would pull me out of class in hand-cuffs. I'd then be taken to the office and searched, then they would take me to my locker and search it. this would be followed by them asking me for what seemed like forever where the gun was. Most of the time this would happen right before lunch, causing me to miss lunch. By the third time this happened I was starting to wish I had a gun, murder suicide was seeming like a great answer.
I hated everything about school so much, most of the time when I would get home from school I would lock myself in my from and cry for hours.
Sorry I have to cut this short but thinking about this is not helping my violent thoughts. I will try to post again tomorrow!